We have been trying out the sock curlers on Caitlyn's hair. She wants to wear her hair down, but she hates how snarly it is at the end of the day. I also hate it because brushing her hair is one of our biggest battles. Anyway, these sock curlers have been working. She can wear her hair down and it doesn't get snarly.
Sometimes it goes a little too curly, but in a few hours it loosens up.
I think Caitlyn is beautiful, go figure I'm her mom, but seriously she is beautiful. Caitlyn has always been a beautiful girl, but I keep seeing more and more of her true beauty as she gets older. She is so sweet and sensitive to those around her. She genuinely cares about everyone and never wants anyone to hurt or suffer. Caitlyn will go out of her way to make sure everyone has a friend and no one feels left out. She puts her wants and needs aside to help those around her.
Caitlyn has always been a very spiritual girl. She has so much Faith and an amazing understanding of spiritual things. She is constantly telling me about times when she knows Heavenly Father has helped her or blessed her. I think Caitlyn is in constant prayer with Heavenly Father because she is constantly battling anxiety. Caitlyn has pointed out a few times that she is glad she has anxiety because it makes her more sensitive to those around her. She tries so hard to look for the good.
Caitlyn has probably been battling anxiety her whole life. Some times are harder than others, but I think it is always there. These past few months have been extremely difficult for Caitlyn, which means they have been extremely difficult for Keith and I. Caitlyn has been having melt down after melt down and screaming and yelling at the drop of a hat. Her behavior does not match up with her sweet personality, so we know that to some degree it is out of her control. Caitlyn is so similar to me in so many ways, unfortunately she inherited my anxiety and depression. We have been seeking help for her on and off for a couple of years now. For a while it seemed like it had disappeared, but Caitlyn told me that it is always there, she has just learned to deal with it.
I am grateful that I can relate and understand what Caitlyn is going through, but it also makes me feel like I can't be there for Caitlyn like I want to because I am battling my own anxiety and depression. Caitlyn's counselor has really helped both of us with some coping skills and strategies. She has helped me understand what Caitlyn needs and how to help her.
I felt like things were going better so I was caught off guard when Caitlyn told me how much she was struggling. It broke my heart to hear her tell me that she just couldn't handle the anxiety anymore, it was too overwhelming. Her counselor said that constantly battling anxiety can completely overwhelm anybody. When you have anxiety your body is constantly in overdrive trying to deal with all of the anxiety and that is when you start experiencing physical symptoms, like headaches, stomach aches and fatigue. Caitlyn was experiencing all of these problems. She constantly felt sick to her stomach.
One of my parenting goals is to react in love and not fear. This is extremely hard for me because when you are an anxious person it is hard not to go straight to fear. When Keith and I were talking to Caitlyn and realizing what a serious problem she had my mind and body started to panic. I could feel the panic and fear rising in my body. All of the sudden I felt a calm wash over me and thoughts entered my mind that I knew were not my own. I knew that Heavenly Father was guiding me and that I was saying things that Caitlyn needed to hear and I was receiving comfort at the same time. After that I felt emotionally spent, I felt like all of my energy had been sucked out of my body, like I had the flu or something.
Caitlyn's counselor recommended that we start Caitlyn on some medicine and I had been dragging my feet. I kept hoping she wouldn't need it or that we could put it off until she was a little older. It is a very tough thing to admit and accept that you have to take medicine every day, that you can't fix whatever is wrong with your body on your own. I had that struggle with myself, but I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be to accept that for my child as well. After we talked to Caitlyn Keith and I both knew it was time to stop dragging our feet and get her into a doctor that could prescribe. After a very frustrating, emotional day of calling doctors I finally found a pediatrician (one Caitlyn had seen for her mollescum) who would prescribe. I took their next available appointment for the following day. Keith gave Caitlyn a blessing that night and I think we all finally felt some hope.
Caitlyn was very hesitant about going on medication. She was very nervous about the doctors appointment and felt embarrassed. Dr. Lei put Caitlyn right at ease. I gave him the background and the recommendation form her counselor and he said he definitely agreed that the medicine could really help Caitlyn. He explained it so well to Caitlyn. He told her that he was so excited that he could help her and he couldn't wait to see how much better she felt. He explained to her that ever since she was born her body has not produced enough serotonin. When she gets stressed or scared her body devours the little serotonin that she has and that leaves her without any serotonin and that is what leads to panic attacks. These anti-depression/anti-anxiety medicines not only regulate serotonin levels, but they tell your brain not to devour the serotonin and to keep a more balanced level. He also said that sleeping problems go hand in hand with this, so he recommended that she take melatonin every night to help her fall asleep. Melatonin is something your body produces at night that tells your body it is tired and time to sleep. It has worked wonders on Caitlyn. She used to take two or three hours to fall asleep and now she is asleep within 30 minutes. That extra sleep has helped her so much.
We are three weeks into the medicine and we have already noticed a big difference. Caitlyn said she can already feel a difference and that she hasn't been feeling anxious every day at school. She is a very wise, very mature girl. She can understand and vocalize things that seem beyond her. This weekend we wanted to go out to eat and Caitlyn didn't want to. She hates to eat out and she hates crowds. We were trying to decide what to do and I told Caitlyn to explain to me why she didn't want to go. She said, "It makes me anxious mom, I push myself to go to school every day even though I have anxiety, but I don't want to push myself on this." Seriously, she is such a wise girl.
The biggest difference I have noticed so far is that she has been able to stay calm and talk things through instead of going straight to panic or anger. I really feel like we were led to the medication and that this is what she needs. I'm so grateful for modern medicine and for a Heavenly Father who loves me and my children.
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