Deenie's funeral

Deenie passed away a couple of weeks ago and last Friday was her funeral. Her kids put together a beautiful funeral for her.  I am so impressed with them.  They are all amazing, kind, hard working, faith-filled, accomplished adults.  Their childhood was not easy, but they have gone on to make wonderful lives for themselves.

Janine and Sandy participated by zoom from Janine's house.  I enjoyed hearing Janine talk about Deenie when she was young. Josh gave a wonderful talk.  He is the oldest and he remembers Deenie before the schizophrenia took over. He remembers her reading to them, doing art projects and dressing them up for Easter. He said he was ten when things started getting bad.  Deena and Rachel lived with us for six months when Rachel was five and Deena was two.  Rachel said she remembers being so scared when her and Deena were placed in a shelter (I remember visiting them there) because she felt a responsibility to take care of Deena.  She talked about her relief when they got to come stay with us.  She said she remembers my mom fussing over her and getting things ready and she just cried, not because she was scared but because she was so relieved and felt safe.  I loved having them live with us and I was devastated when they left.  The kids all shared beautiful things about their mom and about their Faith.  My dad also shared some beautiful thoughts.  The whole service was so good. 

Deenie used to come to all of our family dinners.  She was usually smiling and always so excited about Christmas and birthdays.  One year she bought us all movies for Christmas and got the kids stuffed animals.  My parents took good care of her and made sure she got everything she needed and made it to the store, pharmacy and the doctor.  Keith helped her a few times with electronic things.   A few years ago the schizophrenia got really bad and we didn't see her much after that.  Luckily she spent the last year or so in a care center where her needs were met and she was safe. 

She was buried in the Provo Cemetery near grandma Ham. 

Mental illness is a terrible thing.  It is heartbreaking for everyone involved.  Deenie had a very hard battle in this life.  The first thing I thought when I saw her in the casket was that she looked so good and peaceful.  I'm so grateful for the knowledge that we will be made whole on the other side.

My struggles with mental illness seem to be intensifying as I get older.  Depression and anxiety seem to be my constant companions lately.  I feel like my mind is on a dimmer switch and it is almost always very dim.  I will have some days where it feels like the switch is all the way up and I feel that light and hope and then it will go dim again.  I appreciate the good days, but the contrast is hard because then I really see how bad a lot of days are.  I have been feeling it in my body a lot lately, I have no energy and constantly feel overwhelmed and fatigued.  Depression really messes with your sense of reality and it also makes it so hard to feel the Spirit.  One time my mom told me I was a fighter and that really meant a lot to me because it validated me and made me feel like my struggle was real and that she recognized that I was trying, even fighting for my mental health.  Mental illness is real, hard and exhausting, but I'm proud to be a fighter.  Deenie was a fighter too and I'm happy for her that her fight is over.

Dad gave a beautiful blessing on the grave.  Josh said he could see JW and his mom together.  It was very touching.  

After that we walked over and saw grandma Ham's grave.   I think funerals are one of the most spiritual meetings because we are able to set aside our mortal view and see things through an eternal perspective.  We are able to see people like Christ sees them and realize that most things that we worry about in our lives really don't matter at the end of the day.  What maters is our relationships with our loved ones and with our Savior, Jesus Christ.  I'm so grateful that I got to be there to witness such a beautiful funeral.