Mom's last few days

Mom slept well through the night again.  I slept okay too, I was pretty tired so I was able to sleep.  Oscar brought me lunch on Thursday.  He is always so kind.  We all spent Thursday at mom's. It was nice to have time to visit with Gary.  I went home Thursday night to get some sleep. 

Caleb flew in late Thursday night.  

It was so great to have Caleb here.  He is so kind and brings a calming presence with him.

He showed us pictures and videos of his girls. I love seeing him so happy and raising such a beautiful, loving family.

Lindy came up too.  Grandpa appreciated the support.

Even in these hard times we were able to enjoy visiting together and reminiscing on all of the amazing memories we have together. 

Mom's breathing was very labored. It was hard to watch her struggle so much to breath. Scott assured us that she wasn't in pain. We made sure she had morphine every four hours and on Friday we increased it to every two hours. 

Caitlyn had a very hard time leaving on Friday.  I think we knew it was goodbye. We also didn't know for sure though because we were very surprised that she was still with us.

Caitlyn sobbed and didn't want to leave. I finally convinced her to leave a little before midnight.

I stayed the night again. Matt and Caleb debated on staying, but decided not to. They told me to let them know if her breathing changed.  I didn't sleep much that night. I couldn't fall asleep and I just kept looking at mom and listening to hear her breathing. Matt wanted updates so I texted him at 1:40 AM and told him that her breathing was the same. A little before 3 AM when the air kicked off I didn't hear mom breathing. I went over to her and it didn't seem like she was breathing. Matt had told me that she would probably stop breathing for periods of time. I texted Matt and told him that she was going without breaths. 

I called Matt right after and told him I didn't know if she was breathing anymore. I touched mom and she took one last gasp and then she was gone.  Matt was very calming and told me it was okay and he and Caleb were on their way.  I had been praying that mom would go so she wouldn't have to suffer anymore and then it happened and I panicked and wasn't ready to let her go. I will never be ready to live without my mom.  I need her, my kids need her.  I just sat there and cried.  I waited a few minutes to make sure she didn't start breathing again and then I went and got the aides and told them she was gone. Caleb and Matt walked in right after the aides. I was so grateful to have them there. The aides checked for a pulse and confirmed that mom was gone.

I had reached out to Sister Munns on Wednesday and let her know that I thought my mom would pass away soon. She was so kind and said that Jonah could call us or message, whatever we needed.  I sent Jonah a message when she passed and he was at his apartment for lunch so he was able to call me.

Caleb, Matt and I got to talk to Jonah while we waited for the mortuary. 

It was so good for me to be able to talk to him.  It was fun for him to say hi to Matt and Caleb too.

The mortuary got there around 5 AM.  This very nice young lady was handing everything and asked us to look over the paperwork and make sure everything was correct.  We saw the name Andrew on there and asked who that was and she told us that they contacted him because my dad didn't answer the phone.  She went on to tell us that Andrew was her son, we told her that we don't know an Andrew and she doesn't have a son named Andrew, she said, "he did seem confused." Yikes, that's a big mistake. They also had the wrong number for dad and also had her going to the wrong cemetery.  Bless their hearts, they were as nice as could be, but not very competent.  We waited outside mom's room while they transferred her and then they gave us a moment to say goodbye.  We walked out with them.

It was hard to see them take mom away.  At this point it was close to 6 AM.  I was starving.  I went and got us all some Jack in the Box and Matt and Caleb stopped and got drinks and we all went back to dad's.  Matt and I talked to dad for a while.  It was good to be together and talk.  Dad is amazing, he is heart broken AND at peace.  He is sad AND grateful.  I was exhausted and went home to try and get some sleep. Grief hit me so hard. I think I have been so focused on caring for mom and not wanting her to suffer that I wasn't ready for how hard to would be when she was actually gone.