I got really sick with a nasty cold/flu. I sounded and felt terrible for over a week. I was in the living room talking to Hallee and I heard Keith yell from the kitchen, "Is Jackson okay?" I told him he was fine and he said, "I thought I heard him choking." No Keith, that was just your wife talking. I sounded really bad apparently!
Ron was in town for a wedding so he set up a Hawkins lunch at Chuck-a-Rama.
It was fun to visit with everyone. We found out that on January 1st Dave had a massive stroke and has a brain bleed. He has been in the hospital since then and it does not look good. My heart breaks for all of them. I'm hoping and praying that he will be able to recover and gain back feeling and movement. I was really hoping this was going to be a better year for the Hawkins family. I've been thinking a lot about last year and what was happening with mom each day. January 21st was the day we picked mom up from the hospital and took her to memory care. That anniversary was rough for me. I couldn't stop thinking about it and how we had no idea how quickly she would decline and that eight months later she would be gone. It was all so hard and passed very quickly and very slowly at the same time. There were so many times that I just prayed for her suffering to end, but now I miss visiting her so much.
Wyatt was ordained a priest on January 4th. I can't believe he is old enough for that. Keith ordained him and gave him a beautiful blessing. Wyatt also got his patriarchal blessing that day. It's so special to be with your kids while they receive that blessing and hear what Heavenly Father wants them to know and hear about their divine potential. Wyatt has grown and matured a lot in the last few years and he is a wise, kind, thoughtful young man. He's always been spiritual and sought after spiritual things. I love to see him continue to grow his relationship with his Heavenly Father and his Savior.
Caitlyn decided that she is ready to go through the temple. She has been thinking about it for a while and has felt a push to do it since grandma passed away. She is going to go through the Taylorsville temple on grandma's birthday, February 10th. I'm excited for her, she is ready.
January is a hard month, it's depressing and long! It's also been hard to think about last January and what was happening with mom. Some days are really hard! The weather has been really cold, but we haven't had any snow. We have got a little in the mountains, but not much. The snow covered mountains are so beautiful.
Thankfully I've had good days mixed in with those hard days. The beautiful sky always helps me feel better.
One day I was driving home and I kept snapping pictures at stoplights because it was so beautiful. I'm grateful that hard days come to an end and that no matter how down I feel, eventually I am filled with hope again and I'm able to carry on.
Wyatt went with me to deliver Sawyer her flowers from Jonah. I told him I was going to send this picture to Jonah and tell him that he was moving in on his girl.
Sawyer loved the flowers and the bracelet we got her in Rocky Point.
Paul took Hallee and Tessa to Purple Turtle, where they got to fill their Stanley cups up with ice cream for 99 cents!
Hallee loved going with them and spending the evening with Tessa. Hallee got to go thrifting with Tessa as well and she loved that.
Dad spoke in stake conference. We were able to watch on zoom. I asked for a copy of his talk because it was so good:
“A part of our Stake’s “Focus” states “Recognize the Blessings of The Gospel of Jesus Christ.” For purposes of this talk only, I would like to add, “In Spite of our Trials.” I pray for the assistance of the Holy Ghost as we consider how our trials can help us to better understand our divine identity and to better recognize and understand the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Elder Neal A Maxwell (a former apostle) said this, referencing the Prophet Joseph Smith’s plea to the Lord for relief regarding the trials and suffering he and the saints were experiencing while he was in the Liberty Jail: “The sobering indication ‘All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good’ tells us that while we are doctrinally rich, we are usually experience poor. God’s plan is designed to correct the latter deficiency; one’s soul shivers, however, as one contemplates the implications.”
We must always try to remember why we are here. King Benjamin explained it clearly when he said: The natural man/woman (one who is not holy) is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he/she yields to the enticing’s of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man/woman and becometh a saint (one who is holy) through the atonement of Christ the Lord and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeith fit to inflict upon him/her, even as a child doth submit to his/her father. (Mosiah 3:19)
We become “Holy” as we gradually develop these Christ-like characteristics. The key word here is “Become.” President Dallin H Oaks said this: “The issue is not what we have done, but what we have become. And what we have become is the result of more than our actions. It is also the result of our attitudes, our motives, and our desires. Each of these is an ingredient of the pure heart.”
For many years I taught over this pulpit that the Lord has a tailor-made plan for each one of us, and that plan would require us to be tried, tested, proven, and hopefully refined into someone who would be comfortable in the presence of our Father-In-Heaven and His Son Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. I believed that when I taught it and I believe it even more strongly today. For those who do not know, I lost the love of my life to Alzheimer’s Disease in September of last year. I came to realize that Elder Maxwell was right – I was doctrinally rich, but experience poor.
I had a little bit of anger to get over and repent of. I questioned His Plan for a brief period of time. I experienced sadness like I had never known before. The hymn “Be Still My Soul” began to bring me some peace and comfort. I would like to share the words of that hymn with you.
Be still my soul the Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In every change He faithful will remain
Be still my soul thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end
Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below
This caused me to remember all that my Father-in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ had done for me and my family throughout our lives. I reached out to them in genuine love, humility, and gratitude for all their “Tender Mercies.” Comfort came, Peace came, and additional Tender Mercies came. I have grown closer to Them than I ever have before. My faith has grown. My love has grown for everyone. And I understand my divine identity as a Son of God and my wife’s divine identity as a Choice Daughter of God more than ever before. I understand and recognize more clearly and with greater appreciation and gratitude, the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ, especially the atoning sacrifice of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
In conclusion, I would like to share some of President Henry B Eyring’s closing comments, from his talk, in our last General Conference: “Brothers and Sisters, your proving and strengthening will come. It may come quietly, through the trials of family life. It may come through illness or disappointment or grief or loneliness. I bear witness that these moments are not evidence that the Lord has abandoned you. Rather, they are evidence that He loves you enough to refine and strengthen you. He is making you strong enough to carry the weight of eternal life. He is shaping us to stand with Him in glory. If we trust Him, He will make our spiritual power equal to every trial we are called to bear.”
I would like to add my witness to the truthfulness of these things, and express my love and gratitude to my Father-In-Heaven and His Holy Son Jesus Christ, for the Atonement and for their unconditional love, patience and mercy, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”
I'm so glad I got to hear his talk. It was so good and made me cry. Dad has always been a foundation of faith for me. He has never waivered in his faith and he always lives his faith. I'm so grateful for that solid foundation that I've always had to rely on. I was very impressed with his talk and that he kept it focused on Christ. He could have easily made the talk about him (and I probably would have), but he used his experiences to testify of Christ and the goodness of God. He has always been a powerful speaker and I'm always happy when I get a chance to hear him speak.
Cody came into town to see Alisha and pick up grandpa's truck. Dad decided he didn't need two cars anymore so he sold his truck to Cody.
Grandpa was happy to meet Alisha and decided it was a good idea that I set them up. Cody and Alisha decided to become an official couple while Cody was here. I'm excited for both of them. We loved having Cody here for the weekend.
Cody came with Keith and I to Caitlyn's ward to listen to her speak. She did such a great job. She is a beautiful writer and speaker. It was nice to listen to dad speak and then listen to Caitlyn speak, it made it a really good day and helped me feel close to mom. I wanted a copy of her talk too:
“When the bishop asked me to speak, I was excited to learn that my assignment was to base my talk on any address given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. With so many powerful talks to choose from, narrowing it down felt a little daunting. Elder Holland has a remarkable way of speaking directly to both the mind and the heart, and as I read through several of his talks, one in particular stood out to me. I believe I found a new favorite. Today, my remarks are based on his October 2008 address titled “The Ministering of Angels.”
At the beginning of this talk, Elder Holland says, “From the beginning down through the dispensations, God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children.” That statement alone brings me a lot of comfort. One word especially caught my attention—the word emissaries. I didn’t know exactly what it meant, so I looked it up. An emissary is defined as “a person sent on a special mission.”
I love that definition. It means angels are intentional. They are not sent by chance. They are sent with purpose. Our Heavenly Father sends angels on special missions—missions meant to guide us, strengthen us, warn us, and most often, comfort us. To me, that is a powerful reminder that God is not distant. He is deeply aware of our lives and actively involved in them.
The scriptures are filled with testimony of angels ministering to God’s children. Angels appeared to Laman and Lemuel on multiple occasions when they struggled with faith. Nephi saw angels ministering to the children of men. Angels encircled little children with fire and protected them. Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah were visited by an angel whose message completely changed the course of their lives. Angels announced the Savior’s birth to the shepherds and later proclaimed His Resurrection. Joseph Smith was visited by many angels throughout his life as the Restoration unfolded.
These experiences are dramatic and inspiring. But sometimes, when we hear about such extraordinary encounters, it can be easy to believe that angels only appear in moments of great history or to people with incredible callings. Elder Holland gently corrects that idea.
When I think of angels, I often think of ancestors who have passed on or of those who have not yet come to earth. However, Elder Holland reminds us, “Not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day.”
That statement has changed the way I view people in my life. It reminds me that angels may look like friends, family members, leaders, or even strangers who arrive at exactly the right moment. For most of my life, one of my strongest angels was my grandma.
She was the kind of person you naturally gravitated toward. Being around her felt peaceful and safe. She was someone through whom you could feel Christ’s love without her ever needing to say much at all. Up until four months ago, my grandma was my earthly angel. And although we are now separated by the veil, I know that she continues to help me.
My grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and unfortunately, it was extremely aggressive. It progressed quickly and changed her life—and our family’s life—almost overnight. Despite the confusion, fear, and loss that came with this disease, the gospel remained her greatest source of comfort. Scriptures and hymns calmed her anxious mind. Even when words became difficult for her, she would mouth the lyrics to hymns she had known her entire life. And even well into her diagnosis, she still recognized everyone around her.
Through her example, she continued to teach me. She showed me the value of faith and the importance of having a strong relationship with the Savior no matter the circumstance. Her testimony didn’t fade with her memory. It was written into her heart.
Elder Holland goes on to explain, “Usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen, they are always near… Most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times.”
After my grandma passed away, I felt an increasing desire to lean on my Savior and the gospel. I have always struggled with consistency in reading my scriptures and praying, often simply because I forget or feel overwhelmed by daily life. But almost overnight, that changed. I felt a deep hunger for spiritual things. I craved the words of the prophets and wanted nothing more than to speak with my Father in Heaven.
Not only did I begin reading my scriptures more consistently, but I truly feasted on them. I found peace during moments of grief that felt unbearable. I found answers when I didn’t even know what questions to ask. I have absolutely no doubt that my grandma guided me to the one place where I could find eternal comfort and love—my Savior, Jesus Christ.
When grief overwhelmed me—when I was crying and felt like the only person who could stop those tears was her—I know she was there. Waves of peace would come over me. Hymns would come into my mind without effort. Feelings of love filled my heart again and again. Those moments reminded me that heaven is closer than we sometimes realize.
One experience in particular stands out to me. One night, I was lying in bed, ready to fall asleep, when my hand brushed against my grandma’s blanket—something that had happened many times before. But this time, it sent a sudden wave of panic through my body. I began crying uncontrollably and felt completely inconsolable. Almost instantly, the song “If the Savior Stood Beside Me” began playing in my mind. As I focused on those words, a powerful sense of peace followed. Within minutes, I felt calm enough to fall asleep.
President Ezra Taft Benson testified, “There are people over there who are pulling for us—people who have faith in us and who have great hopes for us… our loved ones… who have passed on.” I know that my grandma is one of those people pulling for me, encouraging me, and guiding me closer to Christ.
One of the greatest comforts I felt after my grandma passed was knowing she was happy, healthy, and at peace. She spent her entire life taking care of her family, and I know that as soon as she returned to heaven, she was joyful to continue doing so. I love the words of President Joseph F. Smith, who taught that those who have passed on “love us now more than ever,” and that their concern for our well-being increases because they more fully understand the dangers and challenges we face.
Elder Holland concludes his talk with a powerful testimony. He says that God never leaves us alone and never leaves us unaided in the challenges we face. Even when we feel distant, lost, or alone—whether because of our own choices or because of life’s trials—our Heavenly Father is watching over us. And always, there are angels around us, “seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.” Elder Holland invites us not only to pray for angels to attend us, but also to strive to be a little more angelic ourselves.
As I’ve prepared this talk, I’ve tried to be more aware of angels in my own life. I want to invite each of us to do the same—to notice the quiet ways the Lord may already be helping us. That help may come through a person, a thought, a hymn, or a feeling of peace that arrives when we need it most. If we look for angels, I believe we will begin to recognize them more clearly, and in doing so, we will come to better recognize the hand of the Lord in our lives.
I know that angels—both heavenly and earthly—continue to minister among us. I know that our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, love us deeply and want us to feel that love. I testify that you are worthy of that love. I love my Savior, and I love His gospel. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”
On Friday Keith and I went to the temple. I accidently booked a Spanish session so we had to use a headset. It was kind of cool to hear it in English and read the Spanish subtitles.
I had a fun day on Saturday. I went to Kathy Fullmer's house. She has offered to make a memory quilt for us out of mom's clothes. I showed her what I have and she thinks we have enough to do small blankets for all of the siblings. It is so thoughtful of her and so appreciated. I wanted to do that with mom's clothes, but it was really expensive to pay someone to do it. I'm going to help her cut the squares and she is going to teach me a bit about quilting. I stayed and visited with her for a while and it was really fun. Being at the Fullmer's house was nostalgic. I have so many good memories from our ward and neighborhood, it was a great place to grow up. After that I went to Dad's and visited with him for a while. I haven't seen him since Christmas because of our trip and then I was sick and then last week me, Mel and Tiff planned a night to go to dad's and I had to cancel because Wyatt was sick and I wasn't sure if it was the flu. Anyway, I was glad to be able to visit with dad for a few hours. After that I went to Mel's house. She was watching Zariyah and Judah. I had fun hanging out over there and visiting with Mel and playing with the kids. Zariyah calls me "owl" and it's so cute. She asked me if Hallee was with me. I love that they know us. Judah took a little time to warm up to me, but then he let me play with him and hold him. It was a really fun way to spend a Saturday.
