Chris' funeral was during our fall break. Mel, Tiff and I had planned to be in Mexico with Matt. Matt came up with a plan so we could do both. We still flew into Mesa on Wednesday evening and then we all flew together to Dallas on Thursday and back to Phoenix on Saturday morning and then we went straight to Mexico. Matt was so nice and took care of all of the flights, hotel and rental cars for us. It was so nice of him and took a lot of stress off of me. The flights from Phoenix to Dallas were so much cheaper than the flights from Salt Lake to Dallas, that ended up saving me a lot of money!
Deanna arranged a good rate at a hotel nearby so all of the family stayed there. We ran into most of them in the lobby at some point. Mom flew in Friday morning and Matt and I went and picked her up. The funeral started at 4 PM so we were able to sleep in and get lunch before we went. 
I felt numb for the first couple of days after I heard about Chris, it didn't seem real and I just didn't feel anything for a while. A couple of days later it hit me and I cried all day. Julie was so sweet and talked to me that day and let me cry it out to her on the phone. I wasn't sure how the funeral would go and if it would really sink in that he is gone. Matt and I walked in together and Don and Pam were outside. We talked to them for a minute and then we followed Pam in the door. We realized when we got in there that we were in the family room and they were getting ready to walk out into the chapel. We felt a little out of place, but Ron and Diane were in there too, so that helped. Right when we walked in there I started crying and I couldn't stop, I cried through the whole funeral and for a while after. I was trying really hard to calm myself down because I was ugly crying, the kind that can get really loud. Luckily, I don't think I was too loud throughout the funeral.
They did a great job on the funeral. It was perfect for Chris. The music was so good. They played Vince Gill singing, "Go Rest High On That Mountain." It was beautiful and so fitting. Pam talked after that song, which could not have been easy. She did a great job and I loved hearing her talk about Chris. She mentioned me and how close Chris and I were and that we stayed close over the years. It meant so much to me that she said that.
I loved the picture they had up of Chris, you can see it on the right side of the picture. All of Chris' nieces and nephews got up and said something about him or to him, it was so touching. Chris loved his nieces and nephews and he was so proud of them. It is amazing that while Chris battled addiction that he was able to stay so caring and concerned about other people.
They had a man play the piano and sing "Let it Be." It was beautiful. Chris' friend talked next. I talked to him a little bit after the service and he told me that he and Chris met in Dallas ten years ago, they used to live in the same neighborhood. Dawn talked last and did a great job. I love that she had a picture of Chris up on the screen while she talked. I loved a few things that Dawn said, "grief is just love with nowhere to go." I liked that a lot. JJ was telling her that he liked it to and said, "my sadness is all of this love that I would be giving to Jason if he were here." Dawn also said that when you lose a sibling, you lose a part of your history. I definitely agree with that. I feel that way losing Jen and I also feel that way losing Chris. He is a huge part of my history and now that is gone. We had so many good times and so many inside jokes and I can't talk to him about them anymore. When the service was over they played, "Spirit in the Sky" while the family walked out. It was so perfect for Chris. He loved music and he loved to dance! I listen to those three songs from the funeral a lot now. There are some other songs that make me thing of Chris and now these three do as well.
We all walked outside when it was over. I was still crying and having a hard time getting control of my emotions. Ron and Diane both gave me a long hug and that helped a lot. Ron was talking about how me and Chris loved to talk about people and grandma would say we shouldn't, but she really wanted to hear more. Ha!
After the funeral we went over to Deanna's house. She has a beautiful, big house! They had valets and waiters. I think they just finished redoing the house after the hurricane two years ago. It was great to visit with family. Ward put together a slide show of pictures of Chris, I loved watching that. I sent some pictures to Deanna so it was fun to see those in there.
I was glad that I got some time to visit with Pam and Don. Don laughed about how me and Chris didn't like anyone. I was able to talk to Pam for a while and she told me about how hard things had been for Chris these past couple of years. She felt like three things contributed to his death, his addiction, the pandemic and working from home and his toxic relationship with John. Chris had texted me a while ago when he was having a hard time and I asked him who he could spend time with or talk to and he said his mom and told me how great she is and that he can tell her everything. I'm glad I was able to tell Pam that. He had called her a few days before he died and told her that himself, what a blessing for Pam.
Here are all of the Hawkins cousins. It's so sad that we have lost three of the cousins now. We stayed and visited until after 9 PM. It was nice to visit with everyone. Matt and I went and got some food after we took Mel, Tiff and mom back to the hotel. I never got a chance to get food at Deanna's so I was starving. We had to get up at 3:30 AM to catch our flight. Matt and I didn't fall asleep until after midnight. Chris and I had talked about me coming to visit him in Dallas, I hate that I was there for his funeral instead of visiting him, but I'm grateful I was able to be there to honor Chris. He will always be one of my favorite people!
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