Provo River Trail

The weather this week has been so nice.  When I get off work the weather is perfect for a walk.  

I was able to go walk on the river trail twice this week.

The colors were breath taking.

I couldn't stop taking pictures because everything was so pretty.

It was a boost that I really needed. Grieving mom is so hard. We have been grieving the loss of her to Alzheimer's for years so I thought there would be some relief in her not having to suffer anymore.  I was very wrong, I am glad she isn't suffering, but that has not done anything to ease my grief. 

I never thought I would miss visiting her in memory care so much.  It was so hard to see what the disease did to her, but I loved being able to give her hug and make her laugh.  I loved holding her hand when she was anxious. I loved telling her what a great mom she is and how thankful I am for her. 

I loved taking care of her and being able to serve her. I loved reading her to sleep like she used to do for me. I loved when she could talk and laugh along with us. 

I miss those days, but I really miss mom before the disease. I miss being able to call my mom and ask for advice.  I miss my kids having a grandma that loved them so much that she was right there to give them a hug as soon as we walked into her house. 

I miss having her at the kids performances.  I miss holiday dinners at her house. I miss all the traditions we did with our kids and grandma; Gardner Village, Festival of Trees, Christmas lights, making ginger bread houses, cat cookie at Halloween, Easter Egg hunt and birthday dinners. 

I miss getting together once a week with mom, Mel and Tiff while the kids played. Jonah and I were talking about how we miss the good old days.  I told Jonah that every stage has good and bad, but we don't realize just how good the good is until it's gone.  

I'm grateful I've spent so much time with mom over the years.  We are really good at spending time together as a family, having traditions and making memories.  I just thought we would have so many more years to make more memories  I never would have been ready to say goodbye to mom, but having her gone so young and to such a terrible disease is so hard.  I'm having a really hard time going on with life.  The grief is constant and when I do have a time where I don't feel it, I feel guilty because I don't want life to just move on without mom.  I have to keep reminding myself that mom would want us to be happy and create more memories together as a family.  I hope I can give my kids as amazing of a life as I had with my mom.