Good Old Days

Yesterday I was going through old pictures and I was not prepared for all of the emotion these pictures would bring up.  Most of these pictures seem like a lifetime ago.  I wish I could go back in time and relive things.  I miss my babies and it's hard to even remember that time.  Thank goodness I have pictures like this one of me and Jonah to take me back.  Everyone always tells you to enjoy every moment because the time goes by so fast.  I always stress and wonder if I did enjoy the moments because I remember all the hard things about that stage of life.  I'm so grateful for pictures that show me enjoying the moments!

There were pictures and memories that I had completely forgotten.  Keith and I went with my parents to California before we had kids and once when Caitlyn and Jonah were young.  I have been missing grandma a lot lately.  I'm so glad I was able to visit her so much and that Keith supported me going out to visit her.  I wish I could talk to her right now. 

I loved coming across this picture.  It made me so grateful that I met and married Keith.  He fit right in our family and loved being an uncle and the nieces and nephews love him.

And then I see pictures of Jen and my heart jumps and breaks a little.  Oh man I miss her! I was so happy to see so many smiling pictures of her because sometimes I forget that there were a lot of happy times with her.  The hard times were so hard and sometimes that makes you forget all of the happy times. 

And there were a lot of happy times.  Jen and I loved getting our kids together and doing fun activities with them. 

I wish I could go back to those days with my knowledge from today.

It was hard to see pictures of Kip.  Every time I think of him I think about what might have been, could we have done more.  Suicide is such a complicated thing to process.  It breaks my heart that Keith lost his brother that way.  I wish Keith had Kip here now.  Keith and Kip were so close and it's a big hole for Keith not to have him to talk to and hang out with. I love and miss him too.

Now these really were the good old days.  I'm so glad Chris moved to Utah for college.  We had so much fun together.  He made my young adult years a blast.  I try not to have regret, but I sure wish I would have went out to visit him and talked to him more often.  

It's a little hard to look back at pictures and think how happy and carefree we were before Jen died.  I'm not sure how much of it was just being younger, but things really did change when she died.  Becoming a mom changes you and I can only imagine how losing a child changes you.  I'm so grateful to have a mom who loves being a mom and a grandma.  I remember feeling so overwhelmed and clueless when Caitlyn was born.  Mom was always there to show me the ropes and answer my questions. 

I was so emotional after looking at all of the pictures yesterday, so when Caitlyn wanted to go in and say good night to Hallee when she came home yesterday before heading off to Prom I thought my heart might burst. Caitlyn is the best big sister and Hallee adores her.

I was able to just soak in that moment knowing it was something that would become "the good old days."

Today when Wyatt wanted to play golf over at Lakeview, I knew I wanted to say yes.  I knew that I was experiencing what would soon be the good old days.  

And I thought it was a little crazy that Keith wanted to make smores with the kids over the barbecue, but then today I realized that I'm so grateful for Keith and our differences.  I'm so grateful that we have different strengths and weaknesses and that our kids have both of us and that we are able to give them such a beautiful life.  Looking through all of the pictures gave me so much gratitude for all of the wonderful things we have been able to do and experience over the years.  We aren't perfect parents, but we love our kids and we have worked so hard to give them love, safety and fun.  I'm amazed to look back and see all of the trips we were able to take and fun activities we could do with the kids. Money has always felt tight, but looking back we have been so blessed and haven't gone without anything, including amazing vacations and experiences.

Anyway, all of this reminiscing has just made me so grateful for the beautiful life that I have.  I have been blessed with amazing family and friends and a lifetime of experiences that I never want to forget.