I hate you Mr. Alzheimer's

 I haven't blogged for a while because it's been too hard, I feel bad going on with my life when life has changed so much for mom. On Jan 1st dad took mom to the emergency room because her anxiety was out of control.  They weren't able to help her then, but they did decide to have her go in-patient to try and find medication that would help her. She was admitted to the University of Utah Medical Psychiatry unit. She was in there for two and a half weeks. She wanted to get help for her anxiety so she agreed to go, but the Alzheimer's has progressed so much that I'm sure a lot of the time she was confused. She could only have one 30-minute visit a day.  I saw her a few times and it was very hard.  The first time was a little shocking, she was very emotional and fidgety. I was worried she would beg us to take her home, but she would always go back to her room with no problem, which was a little hard too, but I'm glad she was okay being there. Caitlyn was in town for Martin Luther King day so we went and visited her.  It was hard for Caitlyn, but mom was having a good day so it was a pretty good visit.  Caitlyn called her a lot while she was in the hospital and she had the idea to read scriptures to her over the phone, which I thought was a great idea.  She said she kept asking her if she wanted her to keep reading and she would say yes.  She also did a lot of deep breathing with her. Dad and I met with the medical team up there and they thought mom was making progress on the anxiety.  We were glad to hear that because we weren't seeing that progress in the visits.  
 Dad has felt the urge to look into memory care units for when the time comes.  Matt flew into town while mom was in the hospital to look at places with him. We all thought it would be a ways down the road, but after looking at places and talking to doctors we started realizing that it was probably time for mom to go somewhere. Her needs have reached the point of 24-7 care and that is all dad does all day.  We realized it might be better for mom to go straight into a place from the hospital instead of coming home first. She was only in the hospital for 2 1/2 weeks, so this all happened very fast.   The places they looked at booked up very quickly so when there was one opening at a place that dad and Matt both liked dad decided he better jump on it.  She is in Summit Assisted Living in the memory care unit. 

I went shopping with dad and we bought all the furniture and household things mom would need.  Tiff and Mel went over when everything was delivered and helped dad get it all set up. Dad made sure to bring lots of things from home to make it look and feel like home for mom. Grandma Hawkins made her that quilt on the bed

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It is very hard knowing mom is not coming home.  Alzheimer's is a cruel, nasty disease and it is progressing so fast for mom. It is such an emotional roller coaster.  I hate seeing mom suffer so much, it breaks my heart over and over.  I want to scoop her up and take her home and make this all better. It is so hard to feel like I'm ever doing enough because I can't fix this.  All I can do is spend time with her and help her the best I can, but that doesn't feel like enough.  This is my mom, who I love and respect and who has always been so smart, strong and capable.  I want to help her maintain her dignity, but I'm realizing more and more that this disease has taken her dignity from her and the best I can hope for is that she is unaware and comfortable at this point. 

We all wanted to be there to check mom out of the hospital and take her to her new place.  Brie and Karrie are so understanding and let me leave early or take time off anytime I need to. We all knew it was going to be a very hard day so we were glad we could be together.  I was extremely anxious waiting to leave that morning so I called Pam. She let me just cry to her about how hard this would be and she gave me the love and support I needed.  We all met at my parents and had a little meeting before we went. It was very emotional, we are all struggling with this, but feel like it's the right thing. I've been so impressed with how well dad has taken care of mom.  It was been very intense and overwhelming for him.  I know having her gone is a different kind of hard. 

We all loaded in my van and drove up to the hospital.  Dad went up to get mom and we waited downstairs.  Mom was happy to be leaving the hospital and happy to see all of us.  Dad explained to her that she was going to go stay somewhere for the next part of her care and she said, "okay, but hopefully not for very long."  That was hard to hear.  When we got to her place some staff came in and told my mom welcome home and she said, "this is not my home, this is your home."  Besides that she hasn't said anything about going home.  She seems to be comfortable there for the most part.

We all loaded up in the van and headed to her place.  If I tell mom to look at the camera and smile she will sometimes and she almost looks like her old self. 

We all went in and helped her get settled. We showed her all of her things and dad had brought her a card he gave her years ago and resigned it with the current date.

The boys hung the pictures up for mom. She was happy about that. 

We got her TV all set up so she can watch her movies. The staff came in and asked mom if she wanted to go to an activity and she said she did.  Matt went with her and he said she sat right down with the other residents and participated in the painting.  We all felt encouraged that she wanted to participate in the activities and seemed to like them.  They came and got her for dinner at 4:00 PM.  We all stayed until she got back from dinner and got her settled back in.  She seemed to be adjusting well. We were all glad that we could come visit her in her room instead of the hospital visiting room. It was very hard to say goodbye and leave her there.  She was exhausted and seemed okay with it. We all went to Taco Bell for dinner, we were all starving and exhausted after a very emotional day. 

The next morning I had to work, but they went back to visit mom.  Gary dedicated her room and Gary and Matt gave mom and dad blessings. I went up there after work to see mom. I stayed for a while and then I needed to go home. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I cried the whole way home. This is so hard!

I try to go visit mom a few times a week.  It's hard because it's a 45-minute drive.  The medication makes mom tried so she sleeps a lot. 

Mel and I went over that first Saturday she was there.  I plucked her chin hairs for her and gave her a shower.  She is slowing down a lot physically so she needs help doing most things. 

She always thanks me for everything I do. Mel and I realized she needed more clothes so when they took her for lunch we ran to Walmart and bought her more clothes and a shower chair. 

The next week when Tiff and I went we couldn't find mom. I found her in the hall and she was crying and told me she was trying to get into the stake center.  She was messing with a picture on the wall, I think she thought it was a door.  Then she cried and asked us how we knew to come for youth conference.  We got her back to her room and then she fell asleep. I'm grateful she is sleeping more because I'm grateful for any relief she can get. That was a hard day for me, I just cried while she slept. Then we went to my parents house because my dad was getting rid of the china cabinet so he wanted us to see what we wanted. I cried through that whole thing and took anything I remembered my mom using. This is so hard!

Another time when I went I couldn't find mom anywhere and her door was locked.  The nurse opened it for me and we were looking for her and it took us a minute to realize that she was in the bed because she had the blankets half way over her head. She had her glasses on so I slipped them off and she woke up and said, "Oh hi Al."  It sounded like her old voice, I haven't heard that for years.  I told her I was sorry I woke her up and she said, "It's okay, I like when family comes to visit."  She slept for hours so I took a nap in her chair.  I'll take any time with her that I can get. After that they took her to dinner and I stayed because I wanted to have some time with her awake.  I checked on her during dinner and she was falling asleep so I sat with her and helped her stay awake during dinner. After dinner she was awake for a bit so I got to spend some time with her. We were walking around and one of the residents, Patty was tagging along with us and I think that made mom nervous.  She started crying and looked at me and said, "did my life just (she searched for a word for a minute) combust?"  I didn't quite know what to say to that so I just told her she has so much family that loves her. When I was helping her with something she told me I should get a job there because I'm so nice.  

This week I had a good visit with mom.  She was pretty with it so I was able to Facetime Jonah and let him tell her about his mission call!  More about that later. She was very happy to hear about that! I also read her Jacob's email for the week and showed her the pictures he sent. 

Later we called Caitlyn.  Mom was ready for bed, but she said she still wanted to call her.  She told Caitlyn she heard about her mission call.  Her memory comes and goes and everything gets very confused. It must be so hard for her to fell so confused all the time. 

I asked mom if she wanted me to read to her. She said yes, so I read her "Love Come Softly" book to her until she fell asleep for a nap.  Later that night she wanted to go to bed so I got her all changed and ready for bed and asked her if she wanted me to read her to sleep. She said yes, so I read to her until she fell asleep. It was very special, she used to read us to sleep.

Dad was there too. We got her in bed and we were trying to adjust her, so I lifted her and dad was moving the pad underneath her and I said, "we aren't very good at this huh, mom?" and she said, "no you aren't." and laughed.  Dad left when I started reading to her, but he immediately came back in and locked the door. He said, "the gray hair lady is outside and she thinks I'm her husband." I knew immediately that he was talking about Patty, even though they are all gray haired except for mom.  Patty thinks everyone is her husband. She tried to get in the room for a minute.  Once she stopped dad made a quick escape, ha! It is so hard to leave mom every time. It was a little easier this time with her all tucked into bed. It feels like this disease has progressed so fast (and it has) with mom, but it also feels like she's had it for a long time, which is also true. We all wish things were different, but I was driving myself crazy thinking that all the time, so I'm trying to just enjoy the special moments now.  That is all we have and that is all we can do. I hope and pray that mom can be comfortable and not have to suffer.