Jason Ronald Hawkins

When we found out about Jason we all texted and then got on the phone to book flights.  They were expensive and hard to get because it was Thanksgiving weekend.  We all made decisions faster than Ham's have ever made a decision.  We all knew we wanted to be there so we made it happen.  Matt was in Utah, so me, Mel, Matt, Tiff, mom and dad all booked the same flights.  We flew out Friday afternoon.

We went over to the church that night.  They had set up so many beautiful pictures of Jason.  After we looked at those for a minute and talked to JJ and Haley we went down to the relief society room where Ron and Diane were.  We hugged Diane and talked to her for a minute. She was holding it all together, but she broke down once while we were talking to her and in that moment you could see and feel her pain.  After that we hugged Ron.  He hugged us all so tight and then pulled us in a group hug while he cried and told us how hard this was.  He said, "this hurts so much, the pain is so bad that I don't want to live, but having you guys here eases that pain a little bit."  I was so grateful that we were all there for them.  I wish there was something we could do to ease their pain, but there isn't.  I'm constantly praying that they will get the experiences and connections they need to heal. 

The whole family spoke at the funeral.  It was beautiful.  It has always been obvious how much they love each other.  I'm not sure, but I didn't seem like they ever fought, they were so close and just love each other so much.  JJ talked about having a passenger side view to Jason's life and highlighted different stages of his life. It was a beautiful talk, they are all talented speakers.  Haley spoke on the plan of salvation and did an amazing job.  Ron and Diane shared stories about all of the things they do with Jason.  They have both not only lost a son, but they have a lost a best friend.  The one they go to games with, the one they travel with, the one they watch shows with, the one they celebrate with, the one who brings light and joy into their lives.  I know they are both really struggling and it breaks my heart. 

Matt was one of the pall bearers and offered the prayer at the grave.  He did a wonderful job.  I know Matt treasures the time he has spent with Ron and Jason. 

Jason is buried down the hill from grandma and grandpa.  That seems so fitting, he grew up so close to them and I know they are with him and watching over him now.

This is one of my favorite pictures and I imagine this was the reunion in heaven. 

I was so touched by the stories that were shared at the funeral and on Facebook.  Jason really was one of a kind.  He touched so many lives and made everyone feel included, worthy and loved.  I am amazed that while he was fighting anorexia he continued to be so friendly, out going, self less, loving and kind.  It is very rare to be able to do that while battling an addiction and mental illness.

We all wanted to be there to support Ron and Diane.  I knew how much it meant to me to have people come to Jen's funeral.  I think the only thing you want at that time is to be surrounded by people who love you and who love them.

After the graveside service we went back to the church for a lunch.  It was good to visit with family and share memories.

Most of the cousins were there. 

We stayed for a little while and then we rode along with Matt to take Gary to the airport.  We wanted to soak in that time with Gary.  He flew in and out Saturday.  It is always so good to be with my siblings. I was blessed with the best!

I have been looking through old pictures.  We spent a lot of time with Jason and JJ after grandma's funeral.  We were the last ones left at the church and we stayed and visited for a while.  Jason had this light about him and always seemed so happy.  I keep wondering what the battle was like inside of him because he hid it so well.

Here we are with grandma at Jen's funeral. 

I remember going to visit Jason when he was inpatient probably 6 years ago.  I flew out there for Grandma's birthday and Wendy took grandma and I to visit him.  He was so sweet with grandma, he always was.

I found these pictures in a photo album. I had quite a few of Jason and Jenna.

I love this one.

I remember babysitting Jason and Jenna in the summer when we were there.  Chris would usually come with me.  We loved spending time at Ron and Diane's.  I loved playing with Jason.  He was the cutest kid.  I remember him always being happy and funny.

Here I am with Jason and Jenna at grandma's house. They younger cousins always got lots of attention from the older cousins.  We all thought they were so cute!

I love this picture of Wendy and Jason.

Julie found this picture of Jason, Caleb, Caitlyn and Jonah.  I'm sure this was right before Jason's mission.  I remember this visit and talking to Diane about how hard it was going to be for her to have him gone for two years.

Diane's mom has said it best:

Our family is deeply grieving now for the death of one of our dear grandsons. After years of struggling with anorexia, treatment centers, counseling, hospitalizations, interventions, and anything that could be done, Jason Hawkins has succumbed. His body shut down at the age of 29, so very young!!. He was the most loving, kind, thoughtful person and has left a hole in our hearts. We are so grateful to know that he is free of the suffering he has endured for years and is in heaven, but we miss him so very very much!! It was hard for me to write this, as we feel so devastated, but I wanted to pay tribute to Jason for the wonderful life he lived and the struggles he lived with, still staying the kind person he was. "Is death the last sleep? No, it is the last and final awakening" (Sir Walter Scott)

She also said:

How much comfort we gain from the love and caring concern of others in the midst of trials and grief! Thanks to all who commented and shared your love and concern in the death of our grandson--you may not know how much each thought, each memory and expression of love meant to us. We just returned from his funeral, where we learned how he had blessed so many lives in his 29 years, and helped others to find hope and faith in their lives. Literally scores of people said he was "my best friend." He did more good in his 29 years than many people do in much longer lives. I came home determined to reach out more and try to find more ways to help others.  Jason had a difficult path to trod, but he did it without complaint, with determination, with humor and love for others, and now that he has continued on his eternal journey, I hope to continue on my path with half the courage he had. See you on the other side of the mountain, dear Jason!

I am very blessed to be apart of the Hawkins family and to be cousins with such an amazing person. We will miss you Jason!